Nice jokes!!

INDIAN MOMS!!!!!!!!!

A Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner.....who lives with a girl roommate Sunita. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates." About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Kumar said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, jjust to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother:

I'm not saying that you 'did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the silver plate.. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Kumar

Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read

Dear Son:

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now under the pillow...

Love,

Mom.

So...................


Don't Lie to Your Mother...........especially if she is Indian !

6 INCHES!!

A small balding man stormed into a local bar and demanded, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got! I'm so pissed I can't even see straight!"

The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a DOUBLE.

The man swilled down the drink and demanded, "Gimme another ONE!"

The bartender pours the drink, but said, "Now, before I give you this,why don't you let off a little steam and tell me WHY you're so upset?"

So the man begins his tale: "Well, I am a salesman for this fancy goose pillows. I got an order and took several samples to an apartment in this neighborhood. I knock on the door and this woman opens the door. Now, the lady can't make up her mind, so she asks me to take the samples to the bedroom and check them there. As I get into the bedroom I hear some keys jingling, and SOMEONE starts fumbling with the door."

"Well, the woman says, 'Oh my god, it's my BOYFRIEND. He must have lost his WRESTLING match today, he's gonna be REAL MAD! He won't believe that you are just a salesman. Quick, HIDE!'

"So, I opened at the CLOSET, but I figured that was probably the FIRST place he would look, so I didnt hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my FINGERS praying that the guy WOULDN'T see me."

The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a BIT FRUSTRATED at this point."

"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells
out, 'Tell me, who you been seeing now?'"

"The girl said, 'Nobody, honey, now have a glass of water and calm
down.'

Well the guy starts TEARING up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didnt hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either."

"Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the WINDOW?' I think 'Oh boy, I'm dead meat now'. But the woman by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking."

"Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long time, and I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden the guy pours a pitcher of scalding HOT WATER out of the window right on top of my head! I mean look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders!"

The bartender said, "Oh man, that would have pissed me off for SURE."

"No," the customer replied, "that didn't really BOTHER me. Next
the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess, I can hardly hold onto this glass." The bartender looks at the guy's hands and agreed,"Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so UPSET"

"No, that WASN'T what really pissed me off."

The bartender then asked in exasperation, "Well, then, what DID finally piss you off?"

"Well I was hanging there for hours, and I turned around and looked
down, and...

I WAS ONLY ABOUT 6 INCHES OFF THE GROUND!"

DIVORCE!!

An elderly man in the Southern United States calls his son up in North Dakota and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; 45 years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man replies. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Boston and tell her," he says as he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Arizona immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" Then she hangs up.
The old man puts down the phone, turns to his wife and says. "OK, they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own airfares."

THE DOG FIGHT

A great dane, a scotty, and a chihuahua were sitting in a bar, knocking back a few, when a beautiful bitch walked in.
"Okay, boys," she purred. "I'll make a very happy dog out of whoever can come up with the best proposition, using the words 'cheese' and 'liver'."
The great dane thought a moment, then stated: "I don't like cheese, but I sure like liver, and I like you, too!" He panted and wagged his tail.
The lady just looked away.
The scotty immediately said, "I like cheese, and I like liver, AND I like you!" and wagged his tail expectantly.
She ignored him.
Then the chihuahua growled "Liver alone! Cheese with me."
They left together.

BILLY BOY

Bill Clinton took a jog near his new home in Chappaqua. And on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. Apprehensive, he would brace himself as he approached her for what was (most certainly) about to follow. "Fifty dollars! ," she would shout from the curb.
"No. Five dollars!" , fired back Clinton. This ritual between the ex-prez and the hooker continued for several days. He'd run by. She'd holler, "Fifty dollars" He'd yell back, "Five dollars! "
One day, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the now infamous street corner, Bill suddenly realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer for all to hear (including Hillary) and he would have to come up with a darn good explanation for his wife, the junior Senator.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past her, Bill became overcome with anxiety on how to handle the situation. Sure enough, there she was--standing where she always did. Bill tried to evade the streetwalker's eyes as she looked up at the jogging executives.
Then from the sidewalk, she yelled to Bill . . . "See what you get for five bucks?"

MALE OR FEMALE???

You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.


TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying